Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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