I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
