How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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