Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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