Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
