My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
