I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
