i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy