a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?