I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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