You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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