1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
