maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
