Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
