i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
