I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
