The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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