so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
