: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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