That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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