i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
