dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
