OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
