If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
