well I can't set my house on fire every night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
