I wish my penis had an off switch
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
