She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
