John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
