Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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