Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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