Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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