Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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