he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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