Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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