I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fill condoms, not promises.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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