after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am one with the molecules
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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