Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
