We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
