I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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