dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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