I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
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I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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