i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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