apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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