Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
