I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
