Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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