I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
