The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
