Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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