I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
