When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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