she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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