when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
