I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
vagina is talking i cant
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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