Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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