I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
