Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
