I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just invented taco cereal.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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