just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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